28/March-11

My life is literally torn. Shattered actually, into one billion pieces.

I can't believe how stupid I am.
No joke. I have never called myself stupid without not meaning it. This time, I've done it deliberately. I am stupid, I am lazy, I am depressed, I am an idiot. I am all th negative words you can think about in this world. I am corrupted, I am sombre, I am a hooligan. Whatever negative word you want to call me, go ahead. Because I am one, very stupid Captain.

My life is miserable. I know many people go through things, but I don't think anyone would want to go through the same things I am going through, all simultaniously. I just hate my life. It sucks to be me. I just can't try my best in school because of what happens both in and out of it.

IN :

I just got my results back today for my Biology assignment.
I got 18/25 for my speech, and 26/30 for my research.
When I was full confident and thought I'd ace it.
I am SO dissapointed, no joke. Nobody can be as dissapointed with their marks as I am. I, the Captain, once coming 4th in Biology, now coming ranked in 10th place. I wanted to kill myself when I heard that I was ranked low. I could tell how dissapointed my teacer was with me, and how happy my classmates were when I was ranked down. I think the only one I could sympathise with was my mate Tullah, who was ranked 3, and now ranked 11th. We both have family problems, and she's stressed out ALOT. So, as you can see, my biology ranking, in YEAR 12, is bloody bad. My modern history is also doing bad because I just had an essay on friday, which was based on Hitler. Unfortunately, I don't study that much, so I studied the day before, and I think I wrote bullcrap. Maths is bad. Not doing anything except bludging around, and I have a freaking test next week - HALF YEARLY. Business is damn boring and giving me a headache. Legal Studies and English are the only ones I'm interested in accomplishing, to be honest. I just picked Biology for fun, as well as Business and Maths, so Im trying to improve on English and Legal Studies only.

OUT :

I want to die. I reakon if I die, people will only care for 2 weeks, and then they'll be back to normal with whatever they were doing. I get so depressed easily. I used to cut myself when I was, but once, I cut myself too deep and the physical pain felt for 2 months made me realise it wasn't worth it. Now I am thinking of cutting again, seeing as family life is hurting me outside and inside.
My parents fought again. On Saturday, while my half-cousins were here, mum and dad had a fight over why mum was going out at night with our family friend. While mum was taking a shower, dad opened the door and tried to strangle her. Lucky I was there and it took me and my elder sister several attempts to get him off. Police had to come, yadda yadda,etc. Wasn't in the mood to deal with my cousins and sisters telling the police every single freaking detail. Its been 2 days since the fight, and my mum has been telling us of her plan to divorce. I sit at school wondering if I'll ever see my family as the once peaceful, loving family that we were before. I wonder how happiness and contentent slipped away from our fingers. My cousins are having problems, putting them onto my parents plate. Money is starting to be a financial issue and are stressing my parents. I got a friend that is sleeping over that has 'run away' when she has told the whole fricken world that she was 'kicked out'. Now her parents are out to get me, thinking that I am hiding her, but its funny, seeing as I've tried calling them to pick her up but they refuse. She's got her problems, and so I'm busy looking after her.

My friends are (no offence) no use. They haven't given me any comforting words or support so far. I feel like an idiot hanging around with girls who are friends with happiness. I feel like I'm the only one holding hands with depression and sadness. Its okay though, I don't need anything, or anyone. If my parents get divorced, its okay. If I end up getting locked in jail for false information, it's okay. If I kicked out of home for getting low marks, it's alright, coz you know what?
No one wants to handle it with me. It's okay. I roll solo.
Its okay if I die. I've always been like the evergreen tree outside my house.
Lonely, sombre and miserable.